When I deposit cash in my account, I want it credited immediately. No approvals from the manager, 24-hour delay, or any other crap. Unless you're going to pay prime rate interest on my overnight loan to you, you credit that cash deposit immediately.

Welcome to the shit list. I think you'll be here a while.

Signed,

The President

Re: My $253 December phone bill

Message: Die.

Sincerely,

The President

So you have ceased advertising your Jaguar and Land Rover models in gay publications. Was that due to pressure from the American Family Association or from the publications who do not wish to feature your overpriced and undercrafted automobiles?

However, I notice also that you are continuing to advertise the Volvo, which by all accounts is a gay car.

At any rate, you are an annoying company.

Signed,

The President

I see that you have ended your boycott of the Ford Motor Company. I didn't know you had one.

While you have every right to boycott anyone for any reason, your boycott of an automobile manufacturer for being "too gay-friendly" is comfortably ludicrous enough to make it very funny. To attempt to punish Ford workers, who would of course be laid off in the event of a meaningful boycott, many of whom have families who would suffer, seems antithetical to your cause.

Likewise, your hitherto unknown nine-year boycott of The Walt Disney Company for their "pro-gay" policies would seem to laughable as well, as in fact during that time Disney has reported higher earnings and increased park attendance.

Perhaps your "organization," assuming that its members and scope reach outside your living quarters, would better serve the "American Family" it claims to represent by attending to mothers who kill their children in a haze of post-partum depression or singles-dating desperation and to fathers who kill their children and bury them in unmarked shallow graves in a power-play against their estranged wives.

The fact that you do all this from Tupelo, MS, birthplace of Elvis Presley, seems to me very un-American.

Sincerely,

The President

Are you still a member of the House of Representatives and are you in jail yet?

Say hi to Jim Traficant.

Sincerely,

The President