I can't believe that for Woody Allen's birthday salute you show "What's New, Pussycat?", an interview "Woody Allen: A Life In Film," "Bananas," "Annie Hall," and then a Danny Kaye marathon. What is wrong with you?

I just realized: You are owned by AOL/Time Warner. Nevermind.

Signed,

The President

Hey, dig what I'm listening to on the ipod:

If you see something that looks like a star
And it's shooting up out of the ground
And your head is spinning from a loud guitar
And you just can't escape from the sound
Don't worry too much, it'll happen to you
We were children once, playing with toys

And the thing that you're hearing is only the sound
Of the low spark of high-heeled boys

The percentage you're paying is too high-priced
While you're living beyond all your means
And the man in the suit has just bought a new car
From the profit he's made on your dreams
But today you just read that the man was shot dead
By a gun that didn't make any noise
But it wasn't the bullet that laid him to rest
Was the low spark of high-heeled boys

If you had just a minute to breathe
And they granted you one final wish
Would you ask for something like another chance
Or something similar as this
Don't worry too much, it'll happen to you
As sure as your sorrows or joys

And the thing that disturbs you is only the sound
Of the low spark of high-heeled boys

High-heeled boys

If I gave you everything that I owned
And asked for nothing in return
Would you do the same for me as I would for you
Or take me for a ride
And strip me of everything, including my pride
But spirit is something that no one destroys

And the sound that I'm hearing is only the sound
Of the low spark of high-heeled boys
Heeled boys

It's heavy, man.

-P

I see you've recently signed pitcher Randy Wolf, a 30-year-old veteran with a lingering injury and an earned run average of 4.21.

You are now an official Dodger GM.

Congratulations,

The President

P.S. Is Fidel Castro a lefty? If so, he'd be perfect for you guys.

Well it looks like the tainted Mars Bar that Bobby Kennedy gave you in 1966 is finally achieving its goal. Anyway, happy birthday and may you not have too many more. I miss the casinos.

Signed,

The President

P.S. You know for being a Sagittarius you're kind of an (expletive deleted).

P.P.S. You were a lousy pitcher. You had nothing.

Due to the large number of inquiries and high-fives in the hallways, I am forced to inform all of you that Secretary Condoleezza Rice has not been invited to play in the New Orleans Bowl. It is the football team of Rice University in Texas who has been invited to play in this game.

I'm sorry to disappoint all of you, but I'm hoping this clears up the confusion, though somehow I doubt it.

Signed,

The President