Whew! Good thing you guys didn't declare bankruptcy. I thought maybe there was something wrong.

Good to see it's just business as usual at old GM.

Signed,

The President

P.S. Remember, what's good for General Motors is good for America.

P.P.S. Thanks for the lame-ass GTO.

It's over. You're done. You were useless as soon as we broke up the phone company monopoly. Sorry, but the jig is up.

I remember you fondly as the long-distance carrier whose idea of a good customer plan was seven bucks a month and forty-five cents a minute. All the payphone costs with the convenience of home.

Even worse, having been bought out by SBC, a leader in customer service genocide, you are now a second banana in a lumbering corporate sasquatch traversing the hillsides of the communications marketplace, trampling and uprooting everything that used to be nice in the phone world.

Top of the world, Ma Bell!

Signed,

The President

Hey let me tell you guys something: If I wanted people to take my money, place it in the wrong account, not call me when they say they will, and charge me money for the privilege, I have 535 people on Capitol Hill to do it every day and I don't need you.

I am so very not impressed with you.

Sincerely,

The President

Seriously, we don't do torture?

-P

Hey, how about you guys just play music and sell records? I don't want to hear about your campaign to save our New Orleans musical culture, get off our ass about Vietnam, quit telling us how to manage our economy, and stay away from the White House, especially when you haven't been invited. Why don't you do something that has to do with your native country of Ireland, like figure out if the IRA is armed or unarmed, stop the whole Irish clogging thing, or make Bailey's Irish Cream more affordable to the average person. Maybe you should develop a defense system for your Lucky Charms cereal so people quit trying to steal it.

And this name bullcrap. What kind of name is "The Edge"? It certainly isn't Jimi Hendrix and I get edgy listening to you turn each song into an electric-banjo wangathon, and even at that Pete Townshend kicks your ass. And as far as Bono is concerned, the only Bono I know is Sonny, and he's dead. "Elvis" dead is bigger than "Bono" ever will be and Elvis still used his last name. I realize the you other two guys have names, but frankly, nobody cares.

Please, all four of you, go back to your potatoes, your stews, your happy leprechauns, your Irish Spring soap, your four-leaf clovers and your whiskey. Go pick up your Nobel Prize, go hit your cold, rocky beaches and pasty surfer girls and maybe someday you'll make a record really worth the $18 you want from us. You haven't done anything worthwhile since "Rattle and Hum" and "War" was the only thing you ever did that even approached rock and roll. You are a pop band. Pop back into your world of underage girls, their moms, and pharmaceutical drugs, and mind your own business.

You'll never be the Beatles or the Stones. You're not even the MC-5.

Sincerely,

The President