Thank you for your email. However, I think you may be confusing some issues.

Plastic Christmas trees are manufactured, not cut down, thus there is no damage to the Amazon.com rainforest.

As a matter of fact, we'll be having a meeting soon to clear all this up, and hopefully your desk as well.

Signed,

The President

I read where you declined to show footage of a dead U.S. pilot at the crash site in Iraq. I would have to commend you and extend my gratitude for that gesture.

However, before we get too crazy, let's see how you do during sweeps week.

Signed,

The President

What is going on with Thanksgiving? It barely lasts twenty-four hours -- Wednesday is all about the travel, Thursday is about the eating until it's time to sleep off the turkey, and Friday is all about the shopping with the Christmas decor. The pilgrim hats barely get warm before it's time for Santa outfits. What is going on?

I know there's the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, but unless one of those animal floats explodes or attacks someone on the street, nobody cares. Maybe if you suggested a New York Yankee fly over the parade to add some excitement, but really, I'm more interested in the Thanksgivingness of the whole thing. I know, I know, then you've got the indians bitching about how the pilgrims destroyed them, but you collect a good-sized paycheck, how about you earn part of it once in a while.

By the way, I know nobody else appreciated it, but I thought you picking up the Thanksgiving turkey and playing it like bagpipes was pretty funny. I already ate anyway since I make my own turkey for security purposes.

-P

Apparently the idiot who took a shot at Pope John Paul II wants to meet with you.

Considering what he did to the last Pope he got close to, I would decline the meeting, or at the very least, be packing some heat.

Good Luck,

The President

Well? Do you think Michael Richards cares about black people?

We haven't heard from you in a while, other than rushing the podium at awards shows to rant about losing.

Caringly Yours,

The President