How about we rebuild the Twin Towers and we house the United Nations in the two buildings?

The President

Say, this Zain Verjee on CNN is no pain to the eyes, and she has a nice accent, but she fiddles with her pen too much.

I hate all this Chip 'n' Dale biplay with these newscasters though. "Oh, thank you so much," "I really appreciate it," I'm waiting to see them exchange gifts or pull out stationery and write thank-you notes. It's their (expletive deleted) job, (expletive deleted) give the report and (expletive deleted) off.

That and when after a story the other one has to shake their head and mutter something like "tragic," "really sad," or "unbelievable," like the news isn't enough I have to get their two cents for free. Then when the two of them bring in a third one, like the weather reporter, and then the three of them start clucking a hatful of eggs, and all I want is to know if it's (expletive deleted) going to rain and do I have to bring an extra coat.

Once you get sick of that you pick up the newspaper and you can't find out what the (expletive deleted) story is about until the third or fourth paragraph, if then, like a bad creative writing project. The radio is full of commercials and the internet is all lies.

You just can't beat a good wiretap to know what's really going on.

-P

Congratulations on coming out of the closet. I hope you find the peace you are seeking.

Sincerely,

The President

P.S. We knew you were in there.

I hate to say it, but I'm watching you testify at the Senate Energy Committee and you look like one of the Kids in the Hall in drag.

As far as being Interior Secretary goes, have you done anything?

The President

P.S. "I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head like a grape."

This Christi Paul on CNN is adorable.

I want a big silkscreen made of her face for my office and when I have to meet with people like Nancy Pelosi or Dennis Hastert they can sit behind it.

-P