Hey, nice job poisoning that journalist/spy in Britain. Of course, you didn't do it, but if you did do it you should have used some faster-acting plutonium so your victim doesn't have time to yack about who killed him.

However, if you did do it, I'm guessing Rupert Murdoch and Fox Television could arrange a tv show and book entitled "How I Would Have Done It" and you could make a lot of money and finally buy yourself that hair transplant you've been talking about.

Also, if you don't mind, the next time we meet, I'm brown-bagging my meals.

Cheers,

The President

I understand you've been retained by Michael Richards to effect damage control after his disastrous stand-up appearance at the Laugh Factory last week.

I also understand you have arranged for Michael Richards to speak with Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton for absolution and guidance in regard to his plight. Let me point out that Al Sharpton made false accusations and brought false legal charges of racial assault in the Tawana Brawley case twenty years ago and Jessie Jackson publicly referred to New York City as "Hymie-town" during his idiotic 1984 campaign for president. I would consider these two hypocrites the last people you would need to contact in such a situation and it nauseates me that you ordain them with any importance whatsoever.

Howard, you're a thief and you're stealing your client blind. Not only that, but, unfortunately, you'll probably end up looking like a genius.

I hate this country sometimes and when I do it is because of people like you.

Signed,

The President

P.S. If I were to publicly call you a thieving hebe, could I hire you as my publicist to fix that?

P.P.S. Why don't you have him apologize to O.J. Simpson while you're at it?

Hey, nice going at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood last week. You looked like a lunatic out there but you looked even worse on David Letterman's show. You're making Borat look like a Nobel Prize winner.

I don't know what's wrong with you, but you really need some psychiatric help and some better writers and, probably now, some bodyguards. You only made like $300,000 an episode for eight years on "Seinfeld," I don't understand why you just don't stay home and have a nice drug and alcohol problem in private.

I don't know what you're going to do when some nigger calls you a kike, but at least that mick dike Rosie O'Donnell only gets upset when you imply someone is a fag.

Signed,

The President

P.S. How come you didn't call Jerry Seinfeld a yid on the Letterman show?

I know we've been through this before, but would you please just shut up?

In the meantime you can get to work suing John Lennon's estate for his song "Woman Is The Nigger Of The World," and then you can sue me after I call Dick Cheney a nigger.

"Reverend" my ass.

Sincerely,

The President

I realize we have a lot to be thankful for, but at some moments, the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders are at the top of the list. Sometimes they are even items one through twelve.

Hey, I heard you're in Iraq for the holiday. Are you high?

I am. Ha, ha, have a nice day.

-P