I just wanted to say hi and thank you and your dead ex-president husband for killing President John F. Kennedy forty-three years ago yesterday.

Guess who swallowed the canary in this picture?

(expletive deleted),

The President

Hey guys, I just wanted to see if you were ok. I watched the World Series and it appeared as if a traveling high school team kidnapped you and stole your uniforms and took your place against the St. Louis Cardinals. I've instructed the FBI to ascertain your whereabouts and confirm you are all free and unharmed.

Regards,

The President

P.S. By the way, you lost.

Hi there.

I just wanted you to know that you can stop calling and leaving messages on my voice mail. I do not pick up the phone on Sunday, and certainly not now during the Bears-Jets game. If you're calling about the Raiders-Chiefs game, we'll Monday-morning QB it tomorrow.

By the way, I've seen your photo album pictures in the paper and you used to be a tender piece of filet, given the right haircut and lighting. Ah well, the good old days.

Sincerely,

The President

P.S. Your Raiders suck.

Did I fire you or did you quit? I can't remember.

Anyway, when are you leaving?

-P

P.S. You're fired.

Normally I don't address anyone as "Doctor" unless they have a nurse for me or they're tending bar, but I'll cut you some slack because I really liked "I Spy" and "The Bill Cosby Show" that just came out on dvd where you play that high school coach Chet Kincaid and you have no laugh track. That was pure genius. Can you send me the second season when it comes out?

I hear you want to build an American Slavery Museum, which I am all in favor of. I also understand that you want every American to contribute $8 for it, which I'm not sure I'm in favor of. I'm not chipping in for anything I haven't seen plans for, and I don't want a place that doesn't have a food court or a nice fountain or some grass. I also don't like a lot of chrome. And you have to have parking that isn't two miles away. Where are you going to put this museum? Have you ever built one before? I realize it's a lot of questions, but eight bucks is eight bucks, you know.

I'm thinking also you should make it an interactive museum, where visitors become possessions and are forced to pull a plow in a field or plant rice or pick cotton, or get tied to a whipping post, or get lynched from a hanging tree. Then at the end of their stay Abe Lincoln sets them free and make them sit in the back of the bus on their way back to the parking lot. Also, promise them a free gift and then never give it to them.

Assuming I see your plans and like them enough to contribute, you can go ahead and deduct the $8 from what you owe me for going to the theater to see "Ghostdad" and "Leonard Part 6." I'll never understand how educated people do such stupid things, but I guess that's what keeps life interesting.

By the way, if your wife Phylicia Rashad wants $8 for anything, all she has to do is call me. And can you introduce me to Quincy Jones? I really dig the Q.

Hikky Burr,

The President