So.
What happened this time?

The President

P.S. You know, like, who needs terrorists, right?

I'm at the World Series game in Chicago. If anybody calls, tell them I'm teaching Harriet Miers the alphabet.

It's (expletive deleted) cold out here. I can't type in these (expletive deleted) mittens.

-P

P.S. You better order a new laptop for me. There seems to be some chili and cheese in the keyboard.

Did you see that Sirius satellite radio is picking up marketshare since the Stern announcement? XM started ten months earlier than Sirius but at 56% of the satellite radios sold in the last sales tracking, their 500 million dollar investment in Stern may be paying off.

Let me tell you, I don't care if they had a channel of Catherine Zeta-Jones talking dirty to me and saying my name, I would never get a Sirius radio. I had one in a rental car in New Jersey and the stupid thing kept cutting in and out while it was "searching for signal." They can keep "searching for sucker" if they think I'm going to pay them good money for that.

It's too bad, too. I would have got one just for the Elvis channel.

-P

So now a few of you have branched off the 9/11 Commission and formed the 9/11 Public Discourse Project. Nobody cares and those who do don't believe you anyway.

Let me just boil it down for you:

1) The FAA is staffed with grunts and hacks.
2) The FBI is slow.
3) The CIA is stupid.
4) Washington D.C is filled with hucksters and blowhards.
5) The INS can't keep track of immigration, nevermind control it.
6) Foreign policy is dictated by business and financial concerns.

So here's what we do:

1) Airports, cities of departure, local law enforcement, and city governments will be held financially and legally responsible after any hijacking or transportation calamity, giving all parties incentive for effective security.

2) FBI agents will be tested by way of specially-designed scavenger hunts, hide-and-seek exercises, and offensive attacks on criminal groups. Those who fail these tests will be terminated and reassigned as New Orleans police officers.

3) Ditto with the CIA, except they will have to perform the tasks with people who speak no english.

4) Every Senator and Representative will be given armed defense positions around the Capitol building in case of attack, so instead of holding hands and singing on the steps we can get some return fire going. All federal employees, including but not limited to the White House, Capitol building, and Pentagon, will be issued sidearms and grenades, with some receiving artillery and mortar training.

5) Any criminal not a citizen will be air-dropped back to their country of origin. National Guard, ranchers, and vigilantes will be lined along the U.S.-Mexican border and all unauthorized entries will be shot. Countries of origin will be billed for processing of prisoners or corpses.

6) Corporations internationally must provide their own military. If they can't afford to protect their own interests, neither can I.

Let's be clear about this: These extremists don't hate our freedom, they don't hate our blue jeans and boogie woogie music, nor do they hate our values or our way of life. They hate us because we stand in their midst and support Israel and drink their oil. Those actions are what raise their ire, not our love of McDonald's.

Until we are prepared to quit both, and not one or the other, we are going to have to put up with this psycho bullshit, so whether the NYFD radios were working or not, whether some FBI pinhead read a memo or didn't read a memo, or we need two more CIA people to read farsi, it doesn't really matter. Friends like the Saudis, borders like the one we share with Mexico, and dysfunctionality we find in government at every level guarantee that dotting i's and crossing t's is a waste of time.

Speaking of wasting my time, you are dismissed. Again.

Sincerely,

The President

Well those Powerball numbers you bought didn't work.

Take them back for a refund.

-P