How did Bono get in through the front gate? I had this problem a month ago with some Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on my door. What is going on out there?

I want a report a.s.a.p. so we can get this fixed before somebody like Ricky Martin interrupts my breakfast.

-P

Congratulations on your ticket to the World Series, the first in your team history, the first in the history of the state of Texas. I hope you enjoy the southside of Chicago, it's the baddest part of town, and when you go there you better just beware of a man named Leroy Brown.

Unfortunately the most exciting thing you guys do is lose, so all I can say is have a great time and play some great baseball.

Regards,

The President

P.S. Did you see your owner stand and shake his fists when you guys caught the final out? He was dancing like Jed Clampett with a blue-ribbon pig.

Well, kind of a sad way to go out, but at least you went out in the playoffs like a real stadium should. Sorry you couldn't do it last year against the Red Sox, but you know, one miracle at a time. I feel bad for Larry Walker and David Eckstein, but Tony LaRussa's kind of weird but he seems okay now that I saw him thrown out of a game.

Anyway, adios amigo, you were one of the first stadiums I saw on tv and I always liked those scalloped cut-outs around the top deck but your artificial turf really bothered me. It was very '66 but shag carpeting would have been better. I'll always remember you for the '67 and '68 World Series and I'm sure anybody who played there will remember you for field temperatures of over 130 degrees.

Maybe I'll see you in a sidewalk or plaza somewhere someday. I'll keep the gum and cigarette butts off you if you won't trip me.

Regards,

The President

I'm here in St. Louis watching your Houston Astros hold on to a 3-0 lead over the Cardinals. Too bad about that last game for the Astros on Monday. Maybe they won't blow it in the 9th inning again.

I was sitting here, having some fantastic barbecue in what may be the last game at Busch stadium, who knows. But I was wondering, are you going to the police to answer the warrant with your lawyer or are you going to shoot it out with John Law? I know what kind of a real Dillinger you have become now. Then I was wondering if you might have a long siege first like in Waco or just a bloody gunfight in a run-down hotel somewhere in El Paso. Or maybe you and the prosecutor will circle yer limousines while yer all shooting yer Winchesters out the windows at each other. Suuuuey, boy!

Or if you want, me and the boys will round up the horses and meet you on the other side of the river, and we'll make a run for Mexico. I have a friend, a gunsmith, who owns a ranch. We can hide out there and rustle cattle until we can get a plan.

Oh, look, the Cardinals just scored a run. Gotta go!

Howdy Pardoner,

El Presidente

P.S. Don't say "!Ole!" say "!DeLay!"

Wow, an arrest warrant? You sure are moving up, Al Capone.

Comb your hair and wear something nice because your mug shot is going up on my wall.

The President