I was on the phone to Jacques Chirac of France. Man, does that guy go on and on about nothing.

Anyway, while I had him on the blower, I was watching last night's Houston-St. Louis game. What a humdinger. I was laughing so hard at all the hype, "they're only six outs away," the crowd going crazy, then murmering after Eckstein's and Edmonds' at-bats, and then the hush when Pujols ripped it into the trestle. Bottom of the ninth, three up and three out, and it's on to St. Louis for a completely unnecessary Game 6.

The Astros got jinxed and I'll tell you how. In the top of the ninth there are two kids standing at the screen behind home plate. Not until two out and Eckstein's 1-2 count does the smaller kid start waving a white hanky, and Eckstein gets his base hit. Edmonds comes up, kid waves the white towel, E gets his walk. And just when Pujols is getting is second pitch, little bro waves the hanky and Pujols yanks it out.

Actually Texas has never been represented in the World Series, and that's what they get for shooting JFK in Dallas.

You damn bet we'll be in St. Louis tomorrow -- I wouldn't miss this for the world.

-P

Did you see that survey by Transparency International that ranked the U.S. as the 17th-least corrupt country? They had Iceland as the least-corrupt country. Who the hell lives in Iceland? There's nobody to bribe there.

I think we should have done better than 17th. Send them a sizable check so they can continue to do their good work.

-P

P.S. They had Chad as the most corrupt country out of 158. Chad who?

Today a 19-year old Long Island, NY boy was sentenced to six months jailtime for tossing a frozen turkey through somebody's windshield, leaving that somebody in a coma for two months.

Also today in Florida, two employees fought in the lunchroom over who would use the microwave first. One girl was arrested after stabbing the other in the abdomen.

I just wanted to say how much I enjoy representing this country and you people in it.

Sincerely,

The President

"Harriet Miers." Why does that name sound familiar?

It seems like I offered her a job or something she's supposed to interview for.

Did I know her?

Confused,

The President

Just when I thought I was going to sleep through this whole series, you guys found a way to really make it interesting, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

So long, screwy -- see you in St. Louie!

The President