Whoa. I just saw your ad for your cable tv services and the person in the commercial spoke of using charter's dvr to find his son who was deployed in Iraq. Using the "shuttle" button, he was able to finally find his son in the background of some news video. The "knucklehead," as the "father" says, "was actually waving to the camera."

I'd like to thank you for a new low in marketing, pimping out the parents whose children may be at risk in a theater of war. I find it hard to believe this is based on an actual person who is so happy to pay charter cable sixty bucks a month all for the privilege of looking for his endangered son through miscellaneous commercial channels. Maybe he won't be so happy when he sees his son's burnt-out helicopter in beautiful high-definition digital cable or perhaps he won't be so amazed with the dvr remote when "knucklehead" is a blindfolded hostage.

Better yet, why not get charter cable internet access so he can see his son's beheading with a faster download?

Frankly, I am quite fed up with your retailing of people's specific tragedies, whether it's your news channels ramping up the daily "missing girl alert" drama, your arts and education channels' presentations of serial killers and rapists, or your network and syndicated parades dedicated to the entertainment value of murder. But if you're going to hit me with soldiers' parents who love their cable because they can check up on their kids in combat, I'm going to throw up.

I remind you that this war in foreign lands is fought by an all- volunteer army, so if you're really gung-ho about helping those soldiers' parents why don't you enlist.

Sincere Disregard,

The President

P.S. I have no doubt that these parents, if they do exist, receive no discount in their monthly bill.

Say, what's going on here? This whole thing is starting to stink.

I may have to take back my September 30 "right on" to you.

Sincerely,

The President

Hey, take out $100,000 out of petty cash and go get us a sackful of Powerball tickets.

-P

P.S. Get us a cash payout, none of that "paid over twenty years" baloney.

Hey, what's the deal with the Allman Brothers? I thought "One Way Out" was one of their classic pieces and yet so many of their "greatest hits" packages do not even include it. As a matter of fact their live album at the Beacon Theater entitled "One Way Out" doesn't even include the song "One Way Out."

And you wonder why people are downloading the (expletive deleted) out of you.

Disregards,

The President

What is going on with all these priests and rabbis and everybody else asking people to donate their cars. What happens to those cars then?

I want to see every pre-1979 Pontiac that is given up before they are disposed of.

The President